Would you read my story?

You asked for criticism so I'm going to give it. You have many spelling, grammar, and formatting issues for one thing. It is also a bit rushed and a bother to follow. It needs to flow. You need to be more dramatic and less cheesy. It's an okay idea for a story, but it needs a whole lot of work. There are parts of it I thoroughly enjoyed. Spend some time reading it out loud to work out the kinks. Best of luck to you.